INVISIBILITY: PT 1

THE FATHER'S HEART THROUGH A MOTHER'S EYES: EXPERIENCING GOD'S LOVE FOR ME THROUGH MY OWN EXPERIENCE OF LOVING MY CHILDREN

"I have become all things to all men, that I may by all means save a few." 1 Cor 9:22


A few days ago, I had the rare opportunity to witness my husband grappling with what was, to him, a rather foreign and formidable foe. He only wrestled it a few hours while I was away, but this menacing adversary had fixed itself like a black cloud over his entire day- and had, by noon, very nearly obscured his entire outlook on life. The particular adversary? Simple and simply-precarious perspective. Let me tell you what happened, which as you’ll see, was really the nothingness of everything we face as Mommies, Every. Single. Day.

My phone rang and I answered. I compassionately listened as he expressed the weight of a seeming parasite which had invaded his brain and was gnawing the absolute purpose and meaning, minute by minute, from his day. After a time, I could not help myself… and I laughed out loud. I did. I laughed hard. Not at him so much- but at the absurdity that this struggle was, to him, a “revelation.” With sheer exhaustion and a solid dose of naiveté weighting his voice, he lamented into the phone… “It’s just so hard to actually accomplish anything…Do you know what I mean????”

“Yes.” I said. “Yes, I do…” And I chose then and there to laugh instead of cry.

Firstly, I laughed for the most obvious reason: He was home with the kids- while I, hours away, drove safely, staring down the incandescent waves as they flirted with the sun and peeled along the coastline along the 101 from Oxnard up to Montecito… “Neener, Neener…” (Never mind that I was on my way back home from a Dr. Appt. No matter. I was OUT of the house, and I was alone.)

Secondly, I laughed that he was only home with TWO of our four boys at the time of his call! I had dropped Em off on my way out of town and I had packed Avy’s snack and backpack before leaving and I was going to be picking them both up on my way back home and I would arrive back home with the older boys just in time to put the babies down for naps…so in reality, my dear husband had evaded even the routine complications of stuffing babies into the car multiple times a day for multiple trips to and from the school- and almost everything else. He was calling me, as it would turn out, from the park!

(Now, don’t get me wrong here. The purpose for this story has nothing to do with capability. My husband regularly takes our four boys, all of whom are under six, to the beach or the mountains to hike for hours at a time- often much to my heightened anxiety, and he handles it beautifully-just to give me a break. But what I’m talking about here, is perspective.) ON a ‘stay at home’ day, when homework and getting to and from school is a factor, when dishes ravage the sink without ever ceasing, when laundry splays itself boldly upstairs and down, daring me one sniff it before making the next move… on a ‘normal’ day when the constant task of keeping food in their tummies, diapers freshly ON their bodies and discerning the correct ratio of disciplining the necessary behavior to fighting actually worthwhile battles all factor in- on this type of day, the type of day I have almost every day, where perspective is vital, my husband actually had the notion that he’d stay home and “get some stuff done.”

Thirdly, the fact remained that his “epiphany” was far more the rule than the exception in my every-dailiness as a mother, and was, in fact, nowhere near foreign- not even nudging close to being novel or distinct in any way. It was not of another time, place, or world. It was neither dreamt up, rooted in fiction or fantasy though I will admit- it certainly did not wear well on him. But then, it did not belong to him. This particular battle with PERSPECTIVE was, after all, MINE. My husband, it seems, had not, for all his insinuatation to the contrary, undergone an out-of-body experience.

He had simply experienced a ‘day in the life’ of – ME. Me, without a career which afforded me an actual title. Me, without a paycheck coming in weekly or monthly. Me, without a clear-cut plan for executing a clearly defined set of goals for the day. A day in the life of ME.

It is perspective on my daily life, perspective on my role in my family, in this world extending beyond my four walls, perspective on my meaning, my purpose, what it is exactly that I DO and if it carries any significance at all… it is perspective that MOST OFTEN gets the better of me, if I let it.

This conflict with perspective rages sometimes when I’m not even aware of it, as I simply go about my days following the rhythms of normal-crazy family life, filling my children’s endless chasm of needs, tending to the eternal ‘household-to-do’ list… It remains the backdrop of my life, acknowledged or not, and I found it humorous, while I fight for the right perspective daily…that my husband, in one profound ‘revelation,’ after a comparatively minuscule period of time spent in my world, found himself nearly undone by the struggle for Godly perspective of a stay-at-home-Mommy.

“Do YOU know what I mean?”

Do YOU?

In my absolute certainty, let me confide that I believe you DO. Even if you don’t have multiple kids. If you have one, two or three. If you have four, or like me, have or are about to have five, I don’t think this is a foreign concept. And so, may I present a verse to you? Return us to the bit of scripture that has the power to both torment OR set us free IN the midst of the artillery and shrapnel of this particular daily assault on God’s plan in our lives?

"I have become all things to all men, that I may by all means save a few." 1 Cor 9:22

Does this resonate with anyone out there?

And may I also take the liberty here to confess to you, my sisters, my friends, my fellow Mommies, that if indeed scripture is alive, (and I believe it is) this particular little bedbug keeps me tossing and turning far too often at night when it's dark and my vision is blurred. And it can follow me right into morning if I let it.

Yes. On days lacking true, Godly perspective on my life, my role in this lifetime and any significance it may carry, I could easily read this verse and hear:

"I do everything all the time for everybody and apparently for very little reason.”


THAT is how I could read it, and admittedly do on some days. That interpretation is precisely why I’m writing this devotion. And why I’m determined to prove to myself and to you that perspective is nothing short of critical. My fleshly adaptation of this verse can equal defeat at best on any given day, but God’s promise offers victory and even, distinction. My warped version results in frustration, insignificance and even- on some days, the loneliness that accompanies utter invisibility. God’s rendition, however, leads me right back into the light of perfect identity IN my invisibility.

Is that possible? Is that not a contradiction in terms? Perhaps in the world’s eyes it is. But let’s resolve to blink HARD and figure out wherein we might both read and lay hold of the significance WITHIN our servitude.

To be continued…