THE 'CHALLENGE' CHILD

THE FATHER'S HEART THROUGH A MOTHER'S EYES: Experiencing God's Heart for ME Through My Own Experience of Love for my Children...

Lord,

I want to KNOW my children.

I want to know them individually, intimately, unconditionally.

I know this prayer has to be a reflection of Your own heart, as you long to KNOW each of us, your children- and I'm humbled, Father and overwhelmed even, that the strength of my desire to know my children could be this strong, and yet YOURS, to know me AND my children, even stronger.

I long for an understanding of this deep love that You have for me, and for that understanding to lead me into prayer, daily prayer, as intercession for my children. On their behalf.

I desire to see them for their uniquenesses, for their gifts, for their individual purposes in this life YOU have given to them.

And Lord, I desire deeply, to be able- because of this intimate knowledge of their fearful and wonderful make-up, to help them live OUT who YOU made them to be.

Help me, Father, to not desire them to be 'easy' for me, or more 'like' me.

But transform ME as a mother and a child of YOURS to see them with YOUR eyes, and in so doing- to help them become all they are meant to be for YOUR kingdom.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen.


MONDAY-

The other day, I found myself asking the Lord for an 'easier' day- in so many words. What I meant was: Please help my children to behave, to not be too demanding on me, to have passive spirits for just one day. In reality, I asked Him to change THEM to be more like me so that I could 'flow' with them more easily- so that the day could just be 'easy'. In honesty, my prayer had NOTHING to do with the LORD's will for that day. And NOTHING to do with my children's well-being. I was tired. That's it, flat out. I was just tired.

By 9 am, Gaby sat on the time-out chair (which, if you know Gaby, is nothing new) and he was not happy about it. So, in true Gaby-fashion, he lamented loudly and kicked the wall to show his disapproval of the situation. Desi, sugar-spun as usual was troubled by his brother's predicament and determined to 'give Gaby love?' Of course, I said, "Go give Gaby some love..." I was as shocked as he, with his big blue eyes filling up with puddles, to hear Gaby shove him away and shout, "No!"

He was refusing comfort! And not even from me! Desi had nothing to do with it, but love to give, and Gaby was in full-force, rejecting that love. I was beyond perplexed, and Desi, beyond troubled...so I gathered him up and went into my room for a moment so Gabriel might have a chance to realize his tantrum was NOT going to be tolerated, and to give Desi a bit of comfort for his wounded little heart. I told Aaron, as he prepared himself for work, about the situation, still baffled. "How could he reject love, any kind of comfort...from someone not even involved in his getting in trouble????? Desi was only trying to give him some comfort! Why on Earth would he reject that??????"

His answer led me straight into a mindset, which like a fallen tree, I've stumbled over before, but never spent much time resting upon. My husband could easily have compassion for Gaby in the situation- made from much the same disposition. Easily angered. Needing space once angry or hurt. Needing time before regrouping and being able to put the guard down and recieve love from ANY source. I don't get this AT ALL. When I'm hurt or sad or angry or upset, all I want is love. From anyone! But my girlfriend confirmed for me her own ownership of this need - in many, not just Gabriel. I am sooo opposite! (I even prayed for the doorbell to ring in the middle of the night the other night when I was up alone feeling a bit down and all because I wanted a hug so badly. Anyone on the otherside with a broken down car or flat tire would have had a VERY warm welcome!)


TUESDAY-

OK. So, we all know certain people are harder to love than others. It isn't hard for any of us to admit that we meet people, know people or are even related to people that are just more difficult to love than others. What's hard to admit, is when it happens to be one of our own children. So, you may or may not immediately know what I'm talking about. You may or may not immediately be willing to admit it, say it out loud, or even to yourself. OR, you may simply not have this predicament in your heart or home, but even so- stay with me. This will apply on some level. (Perhaps in the teenage years to come???? ") It is a perplexing issue, but is it a real one.

I have a child that is more difficult to love than others. I do NOT mean that he is in any way unloveable to me. I mean simply that he requires more effort, more work on my part on a daily basis to tangibly reach him with my love.



He is my challenge. He is my 'chance to grow', my 'spirited child,' my 'strong willed' child...however you want to label it. He is my little Gabriel, 3 year old, dimple faced, darling Gabriel. And he is HARD for me to love some days. Now hear me again because this is where I could lose you. You could find yourself astonished that a mother could say such a thing about her own child, or that you, yourself, might even echo (silently, of course) the same sentiment.



But HEAR ME:

When I say that one of my children is "harder for me to love," I do NOT mean, difficult in my heart to conjure up loving feelings toward. In fact, I was so happy to recently find an email letter I'd written to a friend when Gabriel was only months old, which said verbatim,



"Gaby sits bouncing in his bouncy seat behind me, coughing, choking, coo-ing, trying with all his capacity to engage me in some way, so I must go. He needs my attention. I can tell you truly, he is the love of my life, though surely I could say the same of all my other boys...but Gabriel came home from the hospital as such. I needed no time whatsoever to connect with him. It was like he had always been here, always been bonded with me this deeply. He is the first one I have ever felt this at ease and this quickly attached to. He was immediatly my dream come true and remains so to this day."



Reading that encouraged me. Plus, he is, after all, only 3- and I have found 3 to actually be more difficult a stage than 2... But some of you may still be dealing with a child you find 'difficult' into their teens or even adulthood. We just have them. And they have us. So, to those of you offended at the concept, let me make clear to you, so that your heart may be open to the remainder of the message:

What I mean is, in practical, tangible terms, the child I call my 'harder to love' child in this message in NOT hard for me to adore. He is simply more difficult for me to KNOW HOW to reach, to know HOW to apply parenting techniques with success and one who is harder to discipline effectively using the tactics I know and which have thus far worked well with my other children. Gabriel is for a large part simply immune to them. HE, therefore, calls me to a higher standard in my parenting. He requires more of my patience. He demands I become less of ME in order to find the whole of Him. And to tell you the truth, some days, it's exhausting.

But it's also admirable.

You see, Gabriel, my little messenger of God, refuses to fall through the cracks, and in a family of soon-to-be 5 kids, that's not an easy thing to do. He demands that I recognize his uniqueness. His individuality. He demands that I work harder to SEE him in the blur of kids that run in and out of the kitchen, living room, bathroom even, when I'm doing basically- anything. He is fiercely independent. He will take a harsh discipline any day over being invisible to me. The sad part is, admittedly, some days I don't 'get it' soon enough to see what he's really asking for- and thus, resort to the harsher discipline, always to regret it later...

I believe now that this regret is the nudging of the Lord:

Pay attention, Leanne. SEE your little boy. Listen- if you can, to what you SEE....he doesn't have the words to TELL you what he's needing, that for which he's baiting you....Watch closely. He is not everyone else. He is himself. He may need a different vantage point from you. He may need YOU to get on YOUR knees to find out WHO he is. Who I made him to be. It may NOT need disciplined OUT of him, but merely channelled in the right direction BY YOU.


WEDNESDAY-

And so, I have found myself more grateful for Gaby lately. Grateful for his example that who he has been made to be is no doubt about it, going to catch my attention daily and draw me close to the Lord. Here's been the recent result of my revelation: I find that I am praying daily for EACH of my children INDIVIDUALLY, that I might be changed in my vision of them as fully as God created them, not the simplified, toned down version of them as I would, for simple sake of my own sanity and that ever alluring 'easy day', probably settle for.

It began by wondering, what if I did that daily? What if I forsook the temptation (which in my Bible is defined as: a test, a challenge) to ask for ease? What if instead, I learned to pray differently regarding my children and the day ahead, every day? What if I asked things like:

1. Can you help me to see YOU and the innate attributes of YOURSELF you've hidden in each of them?

2. Can you help me to embrace YOU inside them, in all the characteristics that encompasses?

3. Will you show me, from YOUR vantage point, WHO my child is?

4. Can you please reveal to me his/her/their gifts?

5. Will you show me, even in part, some of his/her purpose in this life, what you've made them to do by way of their passions, temperament, desires?

6. Would you help me discern the things to embrace in them and the things to channel in Godly direction vs. the things I need to discipline out of them?

7. Please help me to see my child as YOU SEE him/her.

8. How can I help him/her become more outwardly who you intended...NOT, how do I mute him/her down to be easier for me to deal with!?

You get the point. After all, these little ones, easy or difficult in their temperment, disposition, personalities....they have all, also, been made in His likeness, wrought skillfully in the womb. Fearfully and wonderfully made...I need to DELVE into that aspect of my child instead of looking for escape!


THURSDAY-

It's a high calling on some days, isn't it? But it's true. Take a look at where the Lord led me this week in my fascination on this concept: 1 Corinthians 12:14-26

14 For the body does not consist of one member but of many.

15 If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body.

16 And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body.

17 If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell?

18 But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose.

19 If all were a single member, where would the body be?

20 As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

21 The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.”

22 On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,

23 and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty,

24 which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it,

25 that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another.

26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

Are we hearing this? Our children, no matter their DNA, their resemblance to ourselves or their fathers- ARE NOT US. They are their OWN little peices and parts of the BODY OF CHRIST. ALREADY. Is it even possible that WE are dependent as well, on who THEY are, to become outwardly, fully who WE are meant to be?

They are not, (albeit as of yet immature and under-developed in brain, body and character), incomplete. You and I are NOT making them into who they 'will be'. They already ARE their Father's perfect masterpeice, needing only clipping and pruning.....not so unlike us after all, yes?

FRIDAY-

So, what is MY job here? Do I turn away from this message and say to myself, 'Well, I guess just duck and cover- get through it. After all, he is already who he IS. I'm not going to change him. He's meant for a purpose and was destined to it long before I was in the picture, so....I'll stop spinning my wheels...give up the fight! Just let him/her be! It's in God's hands, not mine!"

Well- in part. But not really so much. It is still our calling to teach, lead, guide, admonish, enourage, discipline and be, in a word, the shears God uses to prune our children. Our high calling is still going to be exhausting, but perhaps less so...not for our prayers that our 'challenging little ones' might be muted down and made 'easier' for us to handle, but for the prayers that might equip us to see them AS GOD has created them and for the blessing of navigating their little hearts and minds more easily as we go about our tasks! And, of course, to absorb the beauty of these necessary and highly honored little 'body parts'!

I've come to conclude this week that for all the extra effort Gaby causes me, all the extra exasperation and exhaustion I endure daily in my dealings with him, that he is, with no argument in sight- a child whose kiss absolutely blinds me to the rest of the whole world when he lays his hands upon my cheeks, and turns it into an existence based soley upon perfectly chizeled, puckered up, flower-petal lips..... This boy's tenderness is unparalleled when I set aside a one-on-one moment with him. It's a discovery of mine- a fairly new one, in fact.

I've become more attuned to his strong and independent spirit as less of a hinderance to me and more of an attribute of his, by God's hand. And I can say honestly that as we watched Gabriel leave our little family group, nestled together to escape the wind down inside the concave of the largest of dunes we could find in our beach quest this past Saturday, only to climb one of his own too-tall (in my oppinion for such a little dude) dunes and perch himself atop it, claiming it by dumping a bucket of sand in semi-likeness to a castle atop-never even looking over at us, Aaron and I marvelled at the loveliness, this time, of his independence. His feirce determination to be the King of his own hill. I wondered as I adored him against the skyline......is this boy meant for the pastorate? Or perhaps founding a new church? Perhaps becoming a missionary in some deep and uncharted territory? It will certainly suit him, whatever it is. And I am determined to assist him in reaching that destiny, not become a stumbling block to him as he pursues God's calling in his life for the sake of an easy day!


SATURDAY-

So, I ponder with regards to my 'harder to love' child. What does it look like? Success, I mean, in balancing the maintenance of his God-given composition with MY job in guiding and 'pruning' those attributes, which if gone unchecked, might still hinder its effectiveness? His temper. His independence which often yields to indignation? These God-given traits that he's not learned to control and USE FOR God's glory as of yet? I mean, Jesus showed the crossing of the line when it came to His temper in the temple, yes? But it was a controlled lead up. And Jesus too was an independant soul while on this Earth, even as a child! Enough so to scare his mother to death, staying behind at the temple without so much as a word, carrying on about His business to her great distress!!!! (I find comfort co-miserating with Mary, here ")

So, these qualities cannot be all bad, in and of themselves, only if not contained and trained up. After all, gone unchecked, we all know 'good' things that can cause great destruction. Plants, part of God's original design of creation- from which humanity extracts gnarly and devastating concoctions. Sex, meant to be a thing of loveliness and unity in His original artistry, but which CLEARLY has gotten twisted and degraded severely in its usage, and effects..... and many, many other things as well.

But, is it success if have an 'easier day'- or even train him in such a way that I yield a series of 'easier days', but in so doing, discipline OUT of my child the very quality which God may have given to him "for such a time as....(Esther 4:14b)"...5 years from now? 10 years from now? The very quality which God imparted to him FOR great use as a tool in his own purpose, ministry, or whatever "good works....have been prepared ahead of time for him to walk into?" (ref .Eph 2:10).

Is it success- if for my own sake, I trim away at the very quality/qualities (which need tempered and directed, yes) but which, nevertheless, will prove to make him far more potent in HIS OWN particular calling on this Earth on the Lord's behalf????

It would be tragic, ladies. My heart shrieks in terror at how many times I may have already crossed the line here....after all, it's a hard one to distinguish in a house where at any given time a multitude of voices are raised (and not all in praise, I assure you!), where poopy diapers have been the NORM and not the exception for seven straight years and where I even call my own little ones by the wrong names.....not just once, before I get it right- sometimes even resorting to "Whoever you are- can you please just get it for me!?!? You KNOW what I meant!!!"

If I can't even distinguish which kid I'm talking to, how on Earth am I going to clearly focus in on the line between RIGHT and WRONG in my trimming and pruning, even with good intentions? UNLESS I PRAY FOR IT! ON GABRIEL'S BEHALF. NOT MY OWN. HOW ELSE????? Truly, it would be tragic to all hearts involved for me to have an 'easier day' at that great cost.

See, Gabriel, in many ways isn't LIKE me. And in the great arrogance of humanity, THAT mere fact, makes him harder for me to love. (Think active, not passive here. To ACTIVELY love). He requires more work of me to even understand him and always has. But this does NOT equate to Gabriel being more unloveable to me. I just have to get on my knees more often. And the floor is hard. And I'm tired. And I don't want to.....and on and on I could go.

Even from the time he was a baby, his sensitivities required softer sounds, less lighting, NO coughing without fair warning, NO crowded rooms echoeing of people's booming voices.....His pronunciation was such that I was among the elite ( I think it was me, Avery and God up there) who could even comprehend what he was trying to say, and I only got it about 80% of the time. Avy pulled off an astonishing 85% or so... To add to it, Gaby was a frail baby, more sickly with his heart complications from birth, and in fact, even in utero he had us freaked out by mere ultrasounds.... So, he has ALWAYS required more energy and emotion at the very LEAST from me. WHY on any realm would I assume this will stop when he turns 4? You get my point. I, hopefully, do too. It won't stop. Not likely, at least. It's part of who he is. Has always been. Will always be. Along with a myriad of too-lovley-for-titles type qualities I don't even need to go into if you've so much as laid eyes on this little guy.

Success is going to be in MY understanding and embracing MY job as it stands before me. Making him MORE of who he already is- )for his design is perfect and complete already, just unexposed in entirety and untrained almost ENTIRELY!!!!). My job is not to make him LESS, especially not LESS for my sake or ease of life. How very trivial that prayer sounds now! What a terrifying price to pay for a bit of repose!!!

Being smaller than the rest, being more challenging to figure out...requiring MORE OF me, makes him no less a part of the body of Christ!

2 Corinthians 12:18 is going straight to my MEMORY BANK!

"FOR GOD PLACED THE MEMBERS, EACH ONE OF THEM, IN THE BODY, JUST AS HE DESIRED....."

He has been placed just as God desired; who am I to pray that away? I'll only end up in futility....and if I believe, ladies, (and you believe with your challenging child/children...) - if I truly believe this Word, that Gabriel has been placed perfectly in the body, JUST as God desired, then isn't the greatest message here that he may well be fulfilling a huge portion of his purpose here and now? Not waiting for my skilled shearing and pruning for 5-10 years out, but HERE and NOW?

Perhaps.....in changing ME?

ALL MY LOVE TO YOU, MOMMIES!!! Thank you for being 'out there'!

Until This Week's Post- Put YOUR Child's Name in Place of Mine!

Mama Loves You More
(written originally for Emerson when he was only a few months old...)

If you ever wonder, if you ever feel unsure,
Remember, my Sweet Miracle, your Mama loves you more.

More than all the softness held in a friendly hand,
More than all the memories of the very oldest man.

More than all the stars that fall down from the sky,
More than all the love songs that always make us cry.

More than all the birthday candle wishes we could make,
More than all the promises we never mean to break.

More than all the shells that wash up on the shore,
(Emerson),my Darling, your Mama loves you more.

More than all the people, every color, shape and size,
More than all the secrets hidden under sleepy eyes.

More than all the sparkles in the finest diamond ring,
More than all the voices when the angels start to sing.

More than all the tear drops from a hundred broken hearts,
More than all the waiting in a thousand stops and starts.

More than all the sands that dance along the ocean floor,
(Avery), my Sweetheart, your Mama loves you more.

More than all the rain that washes cares away,
More than all the flowers waiting for their sunny day.

More than all the treasures we lock away to keep,
More than all the yawns when a dreamer falls asleep.

More than all the shadows cast down from the mountain heights,
More than all the lightening of a million stormy nights.


More than all the mystery and wonder still in store,
(Gabriel), My Precious, your Mama loves you more.

More than all the fairy tales ever to be told,
More than all the wrinkles that remind us when we’re old.

More than all the whitecaps tossing on a restless sea,
More than all the honey in the hopes of honeybees.

More than all the silver found in ancient strands of hair,
More than all the heart behind every childlike prayer.

More than all the hopes that other Mamas hold out for,
(Desi), My Angel, your Mama loves you more.

More than all the fairies riding on each gust of wind,
More than all the kisses blown to reach a distant friend.

More than all imagination lost along the way,
More than all the magic found when little children play.

More than all the jewels crowned upon a royal head,
More than all “I Love You’s” that ever have been said.

More than every time I’ve ever whispered it before,
(Little Bean), My Baby, your Mama loves you more.

EXTRA BLESSING

Thought you all might use a chuckle at my expense.

Tonight, when Emerson came up to kiss and hug me 'goodnight', he stopped and stared at me for a minute, then said, "Mama, you look like a big, fat butterfly!" and grinned at how many points he had undoubtedly just scored.

A big, fat butterfly. There I am, ladies....your loving, blogging, big, fat butterfly friend.

")

Invisibility Pt. 4- and Final (phew! :)

THE FATHER'S HEART THROUGH A MOTHER'S EYES

MONDAY-

I had a thought in church today- a few of them really, that pertain to this blog and its actual intent… I found myself thinking about how Christ came to this earth to take on the dailiness of the lives we engage in every 24 hours. My pastor actually used that word, ‘engaged’ as he spoke of Jesus' coming here to dwell among us. I found myself wondering how to relate Jesus’ experience on this Earth to my own. Not in general- but as a mom, since after all, this is written from the heart of a mom, for the hearts of other moms with the goal in mind of seeing our Father...

I wondered, how does Jesus truly understand my challenges AS A MOM? On other fronts, it’s easier for me to see how He can feel my hurts, know my fears, wear my sorrows, delight in my joys…but how does He know what it’s like to raise children? Almost immediately, I laughed at myself remembering his disciples….how many times he had to say the EXACT same things I find myself saying daily…. “Peter, I’m not talking about him, I’m talking about you. Keep your eyes on yourself.” …. “Judas, did you tell a lie? Do you know the consequences that come from lying? It hurts people. And after all, this is your brother, he’s the best friend you’ve got! Don’t you want to think again about the decision you’re about to make?”…. about John and James... “Who gets to be first? Who gets to sit on the right hand? Are you kidding me? Quit shoving each other!" I’ll tell you who’s going to be first now…..your LITTLEST brother…maybe you should have thought of that before shoving him out of your way! Ok, got that down.

So He gets it. But what about the other stuff? If I’m going to SEE HIM daily, I need to know he’s worn these paths before me, so I can ask, “Where are you?” when I’m losing it. And I do lose it. I do. Self admittedly, I lose it. I lock myself in the bathroom from time to time and make a rule: Whoever bangs on the door, follows me and wiggles the door handle or so much as whines outside it ADDS ONE MINUTE to my alone time!

Yesterday, after a HUGE push on my own to get all of them ready for and TO the park before the rains hit, I climbed slides with my huge belly, fit through tunnels I had no right chancing to go down slides I had way to much momentum for…just to ‘play’ with them instead of sitting on the sidelines on the bench as an onlooker…I felt good about it, until time to load BACK UP. I literally walked around the side of the van after plugging all 4 kiddos IN, left the doors closed a moment longer than necessary to cover over the sounds of screaming inside about who had stepped on whose feet, which car seat they’d claimed “FIRST”, who threw their sweatshirt off and onto who’s chair…and before even reaching my door, I said out loud, “OK, HOW am I supposed to SEE YOU right now????”

I was dead serious. S.O.S I told Avy earlier that morning to pray for mommy to have lots of Jesus in her heart if his brothers were going to make it through the day in good form. No matter the plight of readying them all, getting us out of the house was part of that plan…

i.e. The safest place for you all right now is OUT IN PUBLIC, where there is accountability, where there is someone watching, where you will stay alive and I won’t have to lock myself in the bathroom to keep you that way! Brian Buffini often jokes, “ I brought you into this world. I’ll take you out- and make another one that looks just like you…” I was relating.

Now, I mentioned last week was a rough week with my kids, mostly because of my attitude about my life and its meaning. Plus, school hadn’t started up again for my kids and I was feeling the overload of re-training them after coming back from a fun vacation week at ‘Drammy’s’ house as well as leaving totally OPEN-ended hours for my husband to work on building his new business. But, in addition to that, was my own perspective- or lack thereof. I was a bit like a ship- no, an itty bitty boat drifting in deep, rising waters. And it spilled over a bit this week, even with my reminders in place. The truth is, it’s hard to keep a ‘revelation’ fresh. Especially when all the trials kick right back up the minute you get home from church…right? Well, I’ll confess, it took me a few days after posting the blog to get back on track…with my invisibility, that is. With the preciousness of it. With embracing it……and actually finding myself in it.

But I did. And today, it came again, refreshing me with my goal, my purpose in being invisible when I was reminded of the absolute onslaught of orphans expected to surface in Haiti in the coming months, I almost had to leave the building. I could NOT get the images out of my head of my little 2, 3, 5 and 6 year old darlings wandering around with no food, shelter, perhaps wounded, scared, separated. Without a place to be, help, comfort…without me. Looking for me. Wondering where I’d gone…it was ENOUGH to jolt me BACK into absolutely LOVING my invisible role in my life and praying, “GOD, help me cherish the ones I have, and if there’s any way….adopt a few more to become even MORE invisible!!!!!! Please!!!!!!” It was all my heart could take comfort in. My own change, change so radical that I would willingly take on all the comes in the struggles of motherhood. After all, in comparison, what had I to complain about?

TUESDAY-

But what about when there isn’t a ‘Haiti’ to use as a reference point? On those days, even the kitchen sink full to the brim and watching my husband walk out the front door… can pull my perspective back away from the ‘God I love’ and make me question and doubt myself and what on Earth I’m even doing all over again. After all, I’m a college graduate! I’m a grown woman with dreams and aspirations…… It’s the most annoying cycle. One I continually think I should have DOWN by now and should certainly not be returning to daily or even weekly! But I do……Do you? Let that warped perspective wash back over your eyes to twist up your God-given vision? I find my little pity party version results only in frustration, feelings of insignificance and even- on some days, the loneliness that accompanies utter invisibility. Nobody sees me. I do the same thing every day and it gets undone by the next. What am I even here for????

God’s rendition, however, is a bit different. If we take the time to consider it, it can actually lead us right back into the light of perfect identity IN our invisibility.Is that possible? Is that not a contradiction in terms? Perhaps in the world’s eyes it is. But let’s resolve to blink HARD as we finish this topic, just as we agreed to do in the beginning and figure out where, in TRUTH, we may lay hold once and for all, of the significance WITHIN our servitude.

How is that possible, you ask? To be visible in our vaporesqueness? (I get to make up words since I'm writing it...) We may have a whole bushel full of kids at home... We may mother AND work. We may mother and work and do it without a partner in the picture at all…then, enter the world of schooling, recreational sports/arts, etc. perhaps even care for our parents along the way, go to school ourselves and try to spend more time caring for our marriage, pursuing some of our own passions, and, and…

Doesn’t the pressure just add up? Don’t you find yourself thinking, (even if you don’t face all or even many of the aforementioned conditions…sometimes a poopy diaper is enough to do it…) “But, I’m swamped? I’m doing all that I can! I’m absolutely lost in being a Mom! There’s no time for any of the rest of it!

Right? I mean, the kitchen still isn't clean and yet I spent all day working on it. They still don't say 'please' and 'thank you' as often as they should for as many times as I've repeated myself... so clearly I’m now inaudible as well as invisible. They still take juice in the living room, don't lift the lid and forget to wash their hands. They still get new toys out before putting the first away, kick their shoes off in any direction and at any velocity they so choose at any given moment and cannot for all the innocence they can muster to squeeze out their huge, blue, eyelash-batting eyeballs, remember where the dirty laundry basket has been – in the same exact place since their birth, OR how to flush a toilet or close the refrigerator door.

Let's face it. I spend all day, every day, doing the exact same thing, wearing in turn, one after the other, my entire collection of hats which turn me from chef, to maid, chauffer, nurse, nanny, lifeguard, referee, teacher, teddy bear, news anchor, janitor, banker, cheerleader, counselor, life coach- plus 10 others you could list just as easily- and still, they cannot comprehend the complexity of the word, "NO," coming out of my face.

I feel it coming on. The verse I can’t define for once and all time….and suddenly I’m again doing everything for everybody all the time and apparently for very little reason…… This one is seriously out to get me! Does getting the dishes all done by midnight constitute success?

Success?

After all…I’m right to question this in the world’s eyes. I DO stuff all day that no one can really label. I work all day long and actually accomplish very little that is actually recognizable to the human eye. I spend countless hours repeating phrases that have worn grooves in my own brain (one day I actually corrected a man in front of me at the counter in a gas station, blurting out, "MAY I have 10$ on pump 3, PLEASE…" -And all for the same payoff I could have gotten at home, too. Blank stare. ) Sorry…I’m raising kids all day…I just……ahem. Nothing.

I repeat these cycles and routines and phrases endlessly, and yet they have seemingly become merely cues for my children to flip the switch in their brains from 'on' to 'OFF'.

Oh, her mouth is moving: 'OFF'.
Ok, her mouth stopped moving, "ON."
Oh wait, noise is coming out of her face, "BACK TO OFF."
Ok, the noise has stopped coming out of her face....”ASSUME ‘ON’ MODE…”you get the point.

WEDNESDAY-

It’s clear to me that if I’m going to survive this thing called ‘Motherhood’, and certainly if I’m going to be victorious in it, perspective is huge! And it’s not just in mothering…It’s everywhere. The bible tells me so…. “…One thing I do, forgetting that which is behind, and stretching forward to the things which lie ahead, I press on toward the goal unto the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 3:13) Here, we see that Paul has a future-perspective. He’s not focused on the past, not even so much the here and now, but on that which is ahead…..

Another evidence of how key perspective is in our ENTIRE GOAL of SEEING JESUS? How about Phil 4:8…Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, DWELL ON THESE THINGS." - Again, perspective. Paul consciously chooses not to dwell on the evil of the world, of his own heart, of injuries committed against him, or shortcomings he himself has recognized as his own. He chooses instead a perspective of hope IN the madness and still to actively cherish God’s values… AS HE GOES about his calling…

That is why we never give up. "Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever ."(2 Corinthians 4:16-18).


So, what I am once again realizing?

Keeping perspective- GODLY perspective in my mind as my main filter is critical for me as a person, a woman, and ESPECIALLY as a mom. I can’t tell you the many times, purely out the lack of such perspective, I’ve encountered myself at the end of the day in the bathroom mirror, only to recognize myself as an identity crisis in wait…


I do everything for everybody all the time and I don't actually even know why. And they don't either…!!!


THURSDAY-

It sneaks in when I see wrinkles I swear were NOT there yesterday… when I’m just about to crawl in bed and the monitor rings with the sweet sounds of someone crying, coughing, puking……and my stability of the moment shatters like a house of cards. After all, there is not choice in my actions at these moments. My children need me. But my attitude? Huge opportunity to choose…EXACTLY in those moments. It’s an amazing contradiction, the life of a Mommy: I am in the midst of BEING all these people wearing the hat list and then, magically, I am no one at all.

I am everywhere, but invisible. Necessary and disposable all at once. And for some reason, my flesh continues to find that defeating instead of precious!!! Can you imagine why? The spirit and flesh at WAR!!!!!!!!! IN me!

You see, as for my flesh- the problem in this equation is that my becoming everyone in practice has left me noone in particular. I'm a mosaic of heroes for the most part, and you are, too- but if you've looked closely at a mosaic before, you know that if you simply let your eyes lose focus for one second and the artistry becomes a purplish-blur. a mass of vagueness and there have been many a morning and even more often, an evening where by midnight I am asking, “Who am I? What is it exactly that I do? And in fact, didn't I once have a title? Of any kind? Now, I’m a chameleon- add the color ‘see-through’. After all, I can be anyone belonging to any hat in the snap of a finger depending on the need of the moment.

I can even become my father, it turns out, against the most severe efforts not to and suddenly in my flesh, I am answering my children in my head:

"I'm hungry......what can I haaaavvvveeee?"

I'll tell you what you can have, you can have a knuckle sandwich, that's what you can have.

"He hit me! Mom, he hit me!"

And you're coming to me because.......you'd like me to hit you, too? " )

Did I just think that out loud? Say that out loud? The war in me rages on. How well I know Romans 7!!!!!!!

See- Here’s the thing about perspective. You always have one…you just don’t always have the right one. I teach my boys routinely to see roses on a thorn bush instead of thorns amidst the roses. I teach it. I just don’t always do it.

I can read the Word, and on some days, be doing the RIGHT thing, but hear the wrong message.
It’s all about my perspective. I may be dawdling in God’s Word, but I’m most certainly not dealing in His Worth.

Once again, I can hear the words, “I become all things to all men so that by all means that I may save a few,” and think, TELL ME ABOUT IT! I KNOW, RIGHT? #@*&%$$#!!! And to my own detriment, (and my children’s) miss the entire point. That's the result of the fleshly vantage point...

FRIDAY-

IN the Spirit, however, it’s actually quite lovely, in fact, to read this verse FROM the perspective of a Mommy….I do everything for everybody all the time…- just as long as the ending has us grounded back in the Beginning. For what reason? For what purpose? IF it's a worthy one, I'm made purposeFUL, NOT purposeless!!!!

After all, it is a truth we know well. We DO do everything for everyone else, but if we never finish the sentence, or we finish it with our own words....we end with a pretty mean little pity party. I do everything all the time for no good reason......poor me.....

SO- let’s READ FURTHER….and see WHY... why we do this. What it's worth. Without that part in place, we're doomed to the wrong vista.

"I have become all things to all men, so that by all means I may save a few....and I do all for the sake of the Gospel..."

The Gospel.
That good news.
That saving Grace.
That all-redeeming reason I’m called a ‘Mommy’.

These are my children. MY FEW. The people I love the most, over whom God gave me the chance to watch, with whom God gave me the right to spend my days and for whom God gave ME the desire to pour out my heart and life…

Now then, should I be doing something else?
With my days?
My degree?
My life, I mean?
Should I be finding some greater significance?

Could I?

If I simply follow the Word through to the ultimate reason WHY Paul is willing to pour himself out, to be all things to all people......surely, I find for myself the very same motivation. The very same compulsion. The very same PURPOSE.

How very ironic, don't you think? Our utter invisibility IS our absolute significance. Is our purpose. And it IS A CHALLENGING purpose still, but embracing it and stewarding it to His great pride and favor, I am finally made confident that what I do matters greatly. Who I am matters greatly. What I’ve been called to matters greatly. I matter greatly...

After all, He asked this role, of ME.

SATURDAY-

Let’s recap, and then leave this one settled as our foundation to move on:

Refer back: 1 Corinthians 9:22…

"I have become all things for all the men (in my household, at any given moment to any extent or degree)……so that I may by all means SAVE a few (THESE few little precious hearts that God entrusted to me). And I do all for the sake of the Gospel...so that I may become a fellow participant in it."

JESUS' FELLOW PARTICIPANT! Good enough for you? Good enough for me.

Besides, did you see that? We came full circle! If we can just stop, daily, and wrap our heads around that cycle, we might get an infusion of His perspective. His thoughts, so much higher than our own... Then we would see ourselves more clearly as we go about our calling, and our children, HIS children, would be seen for what they truly are. After all, IN the Spirit, they are both our ‘all men’- for whom we do all these things……AND our ‘to save a few’ for whom, let’s just face it, we’d hand over our very lives without ever thinking it through. They are our everything. Our what we do with our lives turned His, and our forever why we do it.

They are, in a huge percentage, what our lives are for, and in tending to them, every chance we have, we are living out our meaning, being who God asked us to be, doing what He asked us to do.

I don't know about you, but when I do that, I wonder: Could I have a greater significance?

It's my choice really, how I answer that. My choice whose answer I listen to.

Some days I see a bit of Oprah, see up and coming women of the world and say, "How on Earth did I get myself soooo burdened???!!!!! I could be off in New York City working for a publishing house...or writing books....living a single gal lifestyle!" Other days, I can’t help but be overcome by the Holy Spirit and humbly wonder, "How in Heaven did I get so blessed? What have I ever done to deserve all this? All these kisses. All this love. All this preciousness infused into my simple little life, making it the most complex adventure I could have ever dreamt up..." It’s all about through whose eyes I’m looking. I could be blind, and if God’s heart was driving me, I could still see more clearly this simple truth than when my flesh and eyesight are supposedly working up to par…

At war within me remains the battle: I do everything for everyone all the time and apparently for very little reason...
OR, I do all these things for everyone in my life, at any time and any price, all in order that I might SAVE MY few precious little ones.

On that note: I challenge myself and you-

Is there anything else we should be doing?

SUNDAY-

The key, is perspective. God's perspective. It's going to be the key every single day. It's going to be my choice every single day. Even when I'm tired. When the dishes are in the sink. The floor is not vacuumed or even swept. When the laundry is piling high in the corners of every closet.....When every time I hear my name, it's not even my NAME anymore...because they don’t even KNOW my real name!!! Even then, God says to me, IF I WILL LISTEN, I will see as He does that I was His choice for this job. He chose to believe that I had what it was going to take, and if I didn't, He was willing to give it to me. He loved me fully and robustly right into this full-time, non-stop, un-ending opportunity to... love Him back.

And after His redemptive work on the cross for me, that’s about as flattering as it gets.

“Tend my sheep,” He said.
“Take care of what is most precious to me.”
“Be made whole in me, in SEEING ME and LIVING FOR ME by living OUT the example I set for you.”
"Be a participant with me..."

“Tend my sheep…”

Even if it takes me my whole life long to get this, I am determined. Are you?
Happily, gratefully, even humbly, let’s tend.

INVISIBILITY PT. 3

THE FATHER'S HEART THROUGH A MOTHER'S EYES

Monday-

Let me be honest. This has been a brutal week. I don’t know why, but for some reason, I’ve been at my worst, felt under absolute attack in ALL the exact areas I’ve even been mentioning these past weeks on this blog! I have run the gamut from feeling utterly worthless, incompetent and overwhelmed at the thought of my 5th child on the way- all the way to completely undone by ‘normal’ housework, invisible to the maximum capacity, overloaded by everything still on my ‘to do’ list as well as every little person for whom it was created and utterly futile in things even remotely resembling a ‘goal.’

In fact, a few nights back, Aaron read me a quote along these lines: ‘What you will receive when you reach your destination is nothing compared to who you will be when you reach your destination,’ by Zig Ziglar.

He meant to encourage me. I force-nodded and said, ‘uh-huh,’ but had ZERO ability at the time to apply it to MY life at all. He asked me what the half hearted response was about, and I thought, in a scream- (Do you do that? YELL or SCREAM your thoughts from time to time? I call it self-control - since I'm sparing others from hearing it aloud, but mostly so I don’t feel like such a beast…) – but I scream-thought, IT MEANS: " YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE A DESTINATION!!!”

Hello? Who am I writing this blog? HOW on Earth is God allowing ME to say ANYTHING on His behalf with this……ug... perspective…. And so we're back to it: perspective. I have a feeling this week’s bit is mostly FOR me. A lesson for which I’m overdue. You may ride along if you’re on my track…or if you simply enjoy seeing someone else get a ‘spanking,’ but I get the overwhelming impression that I’m getting my ‘lesson’ out loud here!!!

Tuesday-

So, THAT was up until Saturday night........

THEN, this morning in church it hit me. My pastor said one simple thing- not even related, really, to this topic. He referred us to Revelation 1:1 as a simple reference point, around which his entire message would orbit. But for me, IT was the sun. Not even the whole verse, simply the first line of the first verse… He said, “This is the revelation, the unveiling of Jesus Christ…”. He went on to speak of why NOT to argue over the mysteries of the text, but to keep the focal point on the fact that our goal is TO SEE JESUS. And that was all I needed. Perspective back on track, and just think- it only took me a week in MY day-to-day Mommy world to get OFF track and about 15 minutes in God’s House to get back on!

IT IS OUR GOAL: TO SEE JESUS! EACH AND EVERY ONE OF OUR GOALS! HOURLY. DAILY. LIFE-LY. PERIOD.

It is my goal. Your goal. Every career person, bed-ridden, healthy, sick, rich, poor, distinguished or overlooked person’s goal. Or it should be. Duh! How have I even let God inscribe the preciousness of this journey I'm on as not only a mother, but a person without KNOWING that goal like I know the sight of my own children? How is it possible to forget? To get consumed by the trials of the hour, the day to the point that my end destination is simply called, 'midnight'- by which time most 'stuff' is done? How is that possible?

NOW- now I can hear the quote Aaron gave me and ‘get’ it.

‘What you will receive when you reach your destination is nothing compared to who you will be when you reach your destination.’

NOW, how much sense does that make???????? I GET IT! I’M RENEWED! I HAVE MY GOAL BACK and firmly in place, and it's true: there is NO WAY I’ll be the same woman on the other end of seeing Jesus as my goal each day than I have been flopping around in my warped perspective of invisibility this week! Nose in our bibles or not: SEEING Him is different...

Wednesday-

Let me just confess: I am so genuinely humbled, and have NO qualifications to write this particular message, but God is faithful and merciful and I could NOT be more grateful. I feel like Paul this very moment, only without the credentials and most certainly without the words. May I borrow them?

“15Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. 17Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.” (1 Timothy 1:15) AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thankfully, (for ME), Paul referenced his sinful past in vs 13, and even his sinful present in (Rom 7:15,19,21). I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do ... (19) For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing ... (21) So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.”

My heart surges in me! THANK GOD FOR PAUL!!!!
Ahem.
Me in Godly-mode: “Why because he was such an example to others, of course….”
Me in Leanne-mode: “Phew! If there’s hope for him, then there’s hope for me!!!!!”

Anyway- This crucial ‘spanking’ (filled with love I’m sure, since He saw me all week and is still allowing me to even write these words!...) has lead me straight INTO our topic again!

Perspective on who we are and what we are doing…..

We’ve focused intently on the esteem of motherhood, how highly God regards this role in which He’s placed us. And I am glad we have. I want that foundation set in our hearts like stone. It is a truth upon which I believe many lessons of motherhood will build. It matters HUGELY to God that we honor Him by acknowledging the ‘domain’ over which He’s given us stewardship- IT MATTERS THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU AND THE JOB YOU ARE DOING IS PRECIOUS AND DEAR TO HIS HEART…..

HOWEVER-

…being a mother is NOT who we are. It is a part of who we are. It is a huge part of what we do, what we were meant, purposed, intended to do. It is an admirable and cherished calling, no doubt. That of a shepherd- SO close to God’s heart. But we have to remember that IT IS NOT WHO WE ARE.


Thursday-

So, who are we? Is this the stuff of Sunday school? Perhaps, but whoever said going back to reclaim our childlike faith was a bad thing? Let's do, for a moment.

“See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ. For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been made complete.” Col 2: 8-10
...which pretty much takes care of that issue.....but how easily we forget, yes?

Anything else that promises to complete us is an elementary principle. And I’m not talking about anything other than motherhood. I'm including it.

I want to stop for a moment to interject here, since we’ve focused so fully our attention on the high calling of being a Mom (in order that we might honor and cherish this position God has given us, but also IN IT, recognize the honor and cherishing of US by our Father in having given it to us!). Also, because we spend literally 24 hours a day BEING a Mom, it’s easy to allow it to ‘become’ us. But, if I may digress here, I feel compelled to remind myself, and any of you who may fall into the same trap as I, that even finding our completion in being a Mom is false. The text says nothing of it! It says in HIM we have been made complete. Mom or not. Career or not. Servanthood in the ministry or not. In Him. Period.

Even for all we've considered IN honoring our roles as mothers, it could be confusing- but we are NOT to assume our identity in Christ has been found the moment we conceived a child, adopted a child, became a Mom. Our identity in Christ happens the moment our lives are given over to and we are hiddin "IN HIM". Motherhood itself could be, even as Christians, something that steals our rightful identity if we let it! Doesn't that seem strange?

There is a balance required here: being a mother is a calling, a purpose, a role, a pathway set before us by the Lord Himself, and we absolutely want to glorify him in it… after all the Word says,

(Col 3:17) “Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.”

See, being a Mom is in large part, what we do- hopefully with joy and contented servitude . But it is not who we are. Just as a pastor is not who a man called to such a high purpose is. I do believe the Lord uses it every single day to develop our character, being mothers- to build us up into His likeness, add new dimensions to our ability to comprehend his endless LOVE to our maturity….all of it, but we do want to be careful here as we indulge in loving that calling to which we’ve been beckoned, this ‘shepherding’… We want to do it to the best of our ability, allowing ourselves to be saturated in it and changed along the way by it as we get closer and closer to the goal of SEEING JESUS, hopefully hourly and daily- but we do not want to get LOST in it.

HE, HIMSELF has already told us how we are truly found. We cannot hide in this identity. It isn’t one.

Friday-

Being a mom is precious, yes. It is highly esteemed in His eyes, yes. It is challenging and magnificently rewarding for us on one end of the spectrum. And then, monotonous and un-gratifying on the extreme other end…..but to lose OURSELVES in those adjectives would deny Christ and the very perfect work He did on the Cross in order to make US COMPLETE. And that's the last thing we want to do here!

Besides, our children will grow up. Our time will free up. It may not feel that way now, but as I remind myself often on difficult days, ‘The days (sometimes just the hours!) are long…but the years are short.” - Brian Buffini. It keeps me grounded in pouring myself out for these little ones. They won’t always be here. And as much refreshment as comes from them attaining upward degrees of self-sufficiency, also come grievings from my heart… You mean they won’t always say things like, ‘Mama, ahwwna hode joo’? I could just die inside! BUT, it is not my completion as a person. As much as I cherish it, it is not all that I am. Different seasons and pathways will come through my life, my Lord asking me to follow them and heed His word along the way. It will not always be that I have babies at home though I will always be a mom…and being a Mom fulfills me (on most days! When I’m not having an identity crisis over the kitchen sink! " ) ...but it does not complete me.

Being a Mom should not be a reason to be unavailable to other callings. Unmoved by other pursuits or passions. Uninvolved in the body of Christ as a servant. There will be seasons when God calls us to be home and tend purely to our own little flock, times when we’ve spread ourselves too thin across the board and He needs to reel us back in and restore us and our homes. But having children, even young children, even multiple young children, I don’t believe, is a solid case by which we should deny service to the Lord in the larger body of His sheep. Our children should see us in service to others. See us serving the body, building the body, honoring the Lord in this way can only develop our vision if HIM as a servant AND their character- and their own revelation of what true servitude is and all those it includes (them too!). In this way, we TEACH our children that which He’s taught us. To love one another in brotherly love… We also, in this way, fulill the goal of not only SEEING JESUS, but unveiling Him to our little ones.


Saturday-

Sunday reminded me of that goal. I am reminding myself, and you. We are victorious in all things IF we see Him. And along with that ability to SEE Him, inevitably exists the Word of God, which unveils Him to us and makes it possible in the first place.

Last point for now: Let's think of it like this.

Being a Mom is like wearing a crown- a God-given one. We do have a role of honor, but in comparison to CHRIST? To GOD Himself, the Giver of this crown???? In light of SEEING JESUS inside this honorable role, it is a crown we MUST cast before His thrown. In doing so, we FIND our true identity and significance- as a worshiper and servant of the Most High God- and simultaneously LOSE ourselves IN HIM. Casting our crown, in this way, if you think about it, even SHOWS our children how to do the same- with any stewardship God offers to them. We show them that without CHRIST, we are and have nothing to give! We should NEVER be ashamed to let our children see us casting our crown, even at our worst, crying out, “God, I NEED YOU, in order to be the mother You’ve asked me to be!”

It’s ok. I had a bad week, LAST WEEK. Maybe you did too. Or if not, likely at some point you will. Try to remember along with me that we serve a God of WAY beyond 2nd chances! We DO Have a goal: To see JESUS. To unveil Him before our children, even if it’s in brokenness. To cast our crowns before Him and be MADE COMPLETE, not by being the world’s greatest mom, but by owning that IN CHRIST alone we are made whole, then taking our wholeness and doing the job He's set before us!

I think if I can keep that front and center- I’ll be much changed in my journey of mommy-hood by the end of every single day- by seeing Him unveiled throughout it... I’ll bet you will, too.