THE 'CHALLENGE' CHILD

THE FATHER'S HEART THROUGH A MOTHER'S EYES: Experiencing God's Heart for ME Through My Own Experience of Love for my Children...

Lord,

I want to KNOW my children.

I want to know them individually, intimately, unconditionally.

I know this prayer has to be a reflection of Your own heart, as you long to KNOW each of us, your children- and I'm humbled, Father and overwhelmed even, that the strength of my desire to know my children could be this strong, and yet YOURS, to know me AND my children, even stronger.

I long for an understanding of this deep love that You have for me, and for that understanding to lead me into prayer, daily prayer, as intercession for my children. On their behalf.

I desire to see them for their uniquenesses, for their gifts, for their individual purposes in this life YOU have given to them.

And Lord, I desire deeply, to be able- because of this intimate knowledge of their fearful and wonderful make-up, to help them live OUT who YOU made them to be.

Help me, Father, to not desire them to be 'easy' for me, or more 'like' me.

But transform ME as a mother and a child of YOURS to see them with YOUR eyes, and in so doing- to help them become all they are meant to be for YOUR kingdom.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen.


MONDAY-

The other day, I found myself asking the Lord for an 'easier' day- in so many words. What I meant was: Please help my children to behave, to not be too demanding on me, to have passive spirits for just one day. In reality, I asked Him to change THEM to be more like me so that I could 'flow' with them more easily- so that the day could just be 'easy'. In honesty, my prayer had NOTHING to do with the LORD's will for that day. And NOTHING to do with my children's well-being. I was tired. That's it, flat out. I was just tired.

By 9 am, Gaby sat on the time-out chair (which, if you know Gaby, is nothing new) and he was not happy about it. So, in true Gaby-fashion, he lamented loudly and kicked the wall to show his disapproval of the situation. Desi, sugar-spun as usual was troubled by his brother's predicament and determined to 'give Gaby love?' Of course, I said, "Go give Gaby some love..." I was as shocked as he, with his big blue eyes filling up with puddles, to hear Gaby shove him away and shout, "No!"

He was refusing comfort! And not even from me! Desi had nothing to do with it, but love to give, and Gaby was in full-force, rejecting that love. I was beyond perplexed, and Desi, beyond troubled...so I gathered him up and went into my room for a moment so Gabriel might have a chance to realize his tantrum was NOT going to be tolerated, and to give Desi a bit of comfort for his wounded little heart. I told Aaron, as he prepared himself for work, about the situation, still baffled. "How could he reject love, any kind of comfort...from someone not even involved in his getting in trouble????? Desi was only trying to give him some comfort! Why on Earth would he reject that??????"

His answer led me straight into a mindset, which like a fallen tree, I've stumbled over before, but never spent much time resting upon. My husband could easily have compassion for Gaby in the situation- made from much the same disposition. Easily angered. Needing space once angry or hurt. Needing time before regrouping and being able to put the guard down and recieve love from ANY source. I don't get this AT ALL. When I'm hurt or sad or angry or upset, all I want is love. From anyone! But my girlfriend confirmed for me her own ownership of this need - in many, not just Gabriel. I am sooo opposite! (I even prayed for the doorbell to ring in the middle of the night the other night when I was up alone feeling a bit down and all because I wanted a hug so badly. Anyone on the otherside with a broken down car or flat tire would have had a VERY warm welcome!)


TUESDAY-

OK. So, we all know certain people are harder to love than others. It isn't hard for any of us to admit that we meet people, know people or are even related to people that are just more difficult to love than others. What's hard to admit, is when it happens to be one of our own children. So, you may or may not immediately know what I'm talking about. You may or may not immediately be willing to admit it, say it out loud, or even to yourself. OR, you may simply not have this predicament in your heart or home, but even so- stay with me. This will apply on some level. (Perhaps in the teenage years to come???? ") It is a perplexing issue, but is it a real one.

I have a child that is more difficult to love than others. I do NOT mean that he is in any way unloveable to me. I mean simply that he requires more effort, more work on my part on a daily basis to tangibly reach him with my love.



He is my challenge. He is my 'chance to grow', my 'spirited child,' my 'strong willed' child...however you want to label it. He is my little Gabriel, 3 year old, dimple faced, darling Gabriel. And he is HARD for me to love some days. Now hear me again because this is where I could lose you. You could find yourself astonished that a mother could say such a thing about her own child, or that you, yourself, might even echo (silently, of course) the same sentiment.



But HEAR ME:

When I say that one of my children is "harder for me to love," I do NOT mean, difficult in my heart to conjure up loving feelings toward. In fact, I was so happy to recently find an email letter I'd written to a friend when Gabriel was only months old, which said verbatim,



"Gaby sits bouncing in his bouncy seat behind me, coughing, choking, coo-ing, trying with all his capacity to engage me in some way, so I must go. He needs my attention. I can tell you truly, he is the love of my life, though surely I could say the same of all my other boys...but Gabriel came home from the hospital as such. I needed no time whatsoever to connect with him. It was like he had always been here, always been bonded with me this deeply. He is the first one I have ever felt this at ease and this quickly attached to. He was immediatly my dream come true and remains so to this day."



Reading that encouraged me. Plus, he is, after all, only 3- and I have found 3 to actually be more difficult a stage than 2... But some of you may still be dealing with a child you find 'difficult' into their teens or even adulthood. We just have them. And they have us. So, to those of you offended at the concept, let me make clear to you, so that your heart may be open to the remainder of the message:

What I mean is, in practical, tangible terms, the child I call my 'harder to love' child in this message in NOT hard for me to adore. He is simply more difficult for me to KNOW HOW to reach, to know HOW to apply parenting techniques with success and one who is harder to discipline effectively using the tactics I know and which have thus far worked well with my other children. Gabriel is for a large part simply immune to them. HE, therefore, calls me to a higher standard in my parenting. He requires more of my patience. He demands I become less of ME in order to find the whole of Him. And to tell you the truth, some days, it's exhausting.

But it's also admirable.

You see, Gabriel, my little messenger of God, refuses to fall through the cracks, and in a family of soon-to-be 5 kids, that's not an easy thing to do. He demands that I recognize his uniqueness. His individuality. He demands that I work harder to SEE him in the blur of kids that run in and out of the kitchen, living room, bathroom even, when I'm doing basically- anything. He is fiercely independent. He will take a harsh discipline any day over being invisible to me. The sad part is, admittedly, some days I don't 'get it' soon enough to see what he's really asking for- and thus, resort to the harsher discipline, always to regret it later...

I believe now that this regret is the nudging of the Lord:

Pay attention, Leanne. SEE your little boy. Listen- if you can, to what you SEE....he doesn't have the words to TELL you what he's needing, that for which he's baiting you....Watch closely. He is not everyone else. He is himself. He may need a different vantage point from you. He may need YOU to get on YOUR knees to find out WHO he is. Who I made him to be. It may NOT need disciplined OUT of him, but merely channelled in the right direction BY YOU.


WEDNESDAY-

And so, I have found myself more grateful for Gaby lately. Grateful for his example that who he has been made to be is no doubt about it, going to catch my attention daily and draw me close to the Lord. Here's been the recent result of my revelation: I find that I am praying daily for EACH of my children INDIVIDUALLY, that I might be changed in my vision of them as fully as God created them, not the simplified, toned down version of them as I would, for simple sake of my own sanity and that ever alluring 'easy day', probably settle for.

It began by wondering, what if I did that daily? What if I forsook the temptation (which in my Bible is defined as: a test, a challenge) to ask for ease? What if instead, I learned to pray differently regarding my children and the day ahead, every day? What if I asked things like:

1. Can you help me to see YOU and the innate attributes of YOURSELF you've hidden in each of them?

2. Can you help me to embrace YOU inside them, in all the characteristics that encompasses?

3. Will you show me, from YOUR vantage point, WHO my child is?

4. Can you please reveal to me his/her/their gifts?

5. Will you show me, even in part, some of his/her purpose in this life, what you've made them to do by way of their passions, temperament, desires?

6. Would you help me discern the things to embrace in them and the things to channel in Godly direction vs. the things I need to discipline out of them?

7. Please help me to see my child as YOU SEE him/her.

8. How can I help him/her become more outwardly who you intended...NOT, how do I mute him/her down to be easier for me to deal with!?

You get the point. After all, these little ones, easy or difficult in their temperment, disposition, personalities....they have all, also, been made in His likeness, wrought skillfully in the womb. Fearfully and wonderfully made...I need to DELVE into that aspect of my child instead of looking for escape!


THURSDAY-

It's a high calling on some days, isn't it? But it's true. Take a look at where the Lord led me this week in my fascination on this concept: 1 Corinthians 12:14-26

14 For the body does not consist of one member but of many.

15 If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body.

16 And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body.

17 If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell?

18 But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose.

19 If all were a single member, where would the body be?

20 As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

21 The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.”

22 On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,

23 and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty,

24 which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it,

25 that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another.

26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

Are we hearing this? Our children, no matter their DNA, their resemblance to ourselves or their fathers- ARE NOT US. They are their OWN little peices and parts of the BODY OF CHRIST. ALREADY. Is it even possible that WE are dependent as well, on who THEY are, to become outwardly, fully who WE are meant to be?

They are not, (albeit as of yet immature and under-developed in brain, body and character), incomplete. You and I are NOT making them into who they 'will be'. They already ARE their Father's perfect masterpeice, needing only clipping and pruning.....not so unlike us after all, yes?

FRIDAY-

So, what is MY job here? Do I turn away from this message and say to myself, 'Well, I guess just duck and cover- get through it. After all, he is already who he IS. I'm not going to change him. He's meant for a purpose and was destined to it long before I was in the picture, so....I'll stop spinning my wheels...give up the fight! Just let him/her be! It's in God's hands, not mine!"

Well- in part. But not really so much. It is still our calling to teach, lead, guide, admonish, enourage, discipline and be, in a word, the shears God uses to prune our children. Our high calling is still going to be exhausting, but perhaps less so...not for our prayers that our 'challenging little ones' might be muted down and made 'easier' for us to handle, but for the prayers that might equip us to see them AS GOD has created them and for the blessing of navigating their little hearts and minds more easily as we go about our tasks! And, of course, to absorb the beauty of these necessary and highly honored little 'body parts'!

I've come to conclude this week that for all the extra effort Gaby causes me, all the extra exasperation and exhaustion I endure daily in my dealings with him, that he is, with no argument in sight- a child whose kiss absolutely blinds me to the rest of the whole world when he lays his hands upon my cheeks, and turns it into an existence based soley upon perfectly chizeled, puckered up, flower-petal lips..... This boy's tenderness is unparalleled when I set aside a one-on-one moment with him. It's a discovery of mine- a fairly new one, in fact.

I've become more attuned to his strong and independent spirit as less of a hinderance to me and more of an attribute of his, by God's hand. And I can say honestly that as we watched Gabriel leave our little family group, nestled together to escape the wind down inside the concave of the largest of dunes we could find in our beach quest this past Saturday, only to climb one of his own too-tall (in my oppinion for such a little dude) dunes and perch himself atop it, claiming it by dumping a bucket of sand in semi-likeness to a castle atop-never even looking over at us, Aaron and I marvelled at the loveliness, this time, of his independence. His feirce determination to be the King of his own hill. I wondered as I adored him against the skyline......is this boy meant for the pastorate? Or perhaps founding a new church? Perhaps becoming a missionary in some deep and uncharted territory? It will certainly suit him, whatever it is. And I am determined to assist him in reaching that destiny, not become a stumbling block to him as he pursues God's calling in his life for the sake of an easy day!


SATURDAY-

So, I ponder with regards to my 'harder to love' child. What does it look like? Success, I mean, in balancing the maintenance of his God-given composition with MY job in guiding and 'pruning' those attributes, which if gone unchecked, might still hinder its effectiveness? His temper. His independence which often yields to indignation? These God-given traits that he's not learned to control and USE FOR God's glory as of yet? I mean, Jesus showed the crossing of the line when it came to His temper in the temple, yes? But it was a controlled lead up. And Jesus too was an independant soul while on this Earth, even as a child! Enough so to scare his mother to death, staying behind at the temple without so much as a word, carrying on about His business to her great distress!!!! (I find comfort co-miserating with Mary, here ")

So, these qualities cannot be all bad, in and of themselves, only if not contained and trained up. After all, gone unchecked, we all know 'good' things that can cause great destruction. Plants, part of God's original design of creation- from which humanity extracts gnarly and devastating concoctions. Sex, meant to be a thing of loveliness and unity in His original artistry, but which CLEARLY has gotten twisted and degraded severely in its usage, and effects..... and many, many other things as well.

But, is it success if have an 'easier day'- or even train him in such a way that I yield a series of 'easier days', but in so doing, discipline OUT of my child the very quality which God may have given to him "for such a time as....(Esther 4:14b)"...5 years from now? 10 years from now? The very quality which God imparted to him FOR great use as a tool in his own purpose, ministry, or whatever "good works....have been prepared ahead of time for him to walk into?" (ref .Eph 2:10).

Is it success- if for my own sake, I trim away at the very quality/qualities (which need tempered and directed, yes) but which, nevertheless, will prove to make him far more potent in HIS OWN particular calling on this Earth on the Lord's behalf????

It would be tragic, ladies. My heart shrieks in terror at how many times I may have already crossed the line here....after all, it's a hard one to distinguish in a house where at any given time a multitude of voices are raised (and not all in praise, I assure you!), where poopy diapers have been the NORM and not the exception for seven straight years and where I even call my own little ones by the wrong names.....not just once, before I get it right- sometimes even resorting to "Whoever you are- can you please just get it for me!?!? You KNOW what I meant!!!"

If I can't even distinguish which kid I'm talking to, how on Earth am I going to clearly focus in on the line between RIGHT and WRONG in my trimming and pruning, even with good intentions? UNLESS I PRAY FOR IT! ON GABRIEL'S BEHALF. NOT MY OWN. HOW ELSE????? Truly, it would be tragic to all hearts involved for me to have an 'easier day' at that great cost.

See, Gabriel, in many ways isn't LIKE me. And in the great arrogance of humanity, THAT mere fact, makes him harder for me to love. (Think active, not passive here. To ACTIVELY love). He requires more work of me to even understand him and always has. But this does NOT equate to Gabriel being more unloveable to me. I just have to get on my knees more often. And the floor is hard. And I'm tired. And I don't want to.....and on and on I could go.

Even from the time he was a baby, his sensitivities required softer sounds, less lighting, NO coughing without fair warning, NO crowded rooms echoeing of people's booming voices.....His pronunciation was such that I was among the elite ( I think it was me, Avery and God up there) who could even comprehend what he was trying to say, and I only got it about 80% of the time. Avy pulled off an astonishing 85% or so... To add to it, Gaby was a frail baby, more sickly with his heart complications from birth, and in fact, even in utero he had us freaked out by mere ultrasounds.... So, he has ALWAYS required more energy and emotion at the very LEAST from me. WHY on any realm would I assume this will stop when he turns 4? You get my point. I, hopefully, do too. It won't stop. Not likely, at least. It's part of who he is. Has always been. Will always be. Along with a myriad of too-lovley-for-titles type qualities I don't even need to go into if you've so much as laid eyes on this little guy.

Success is going to be in MY understanding and embracing MY job as it stands before me. Making him MORE of who he already is- )for his design is perfect and complete already, just unexposed in entirety and untrained almost ENTIRELY!!!!). My job is not to make him LESS, especially not LESS for my sake or ease of life. How very trivial that prayer sounds now! What a terrifying price to pay for a bit of repose!!!

Being smaller than the rest, being more challenging to figure out...requiring MORE OF me, makes him no less a part of the body of Christ!

2 Corinthians 12:18 is going straight to my MEMORY BANK!

"FOR GOD PLACED THE MEMBERS, EACH ONE OF THEM, IN THE BODY, JUST AS HE DESIRED....."

He has been placed just as God desired; who am I to pray that away? I'll only end up in futility....and if I believe, ladies, (and you believe with your challenging child/children...) - if I truly believe this Word, that Gabriel has been placed perfectly in the body, JUST as God desired, then isn't the greatest message here that he may well be fulfilling a huge portion of his purpose here and now? Not waiting for my skilled shearing and pruning for 5-10 years out, but HERE and NOW?

Perhaps.....in changing ME?

ALL MY LOVE TO YOU, MOMMIES!!! Thank you for being 'out there'!