Why You're Sitting?????? Pt. 1

“Blessed be the name of the LORD
From this time forth and forever.
From the rising of the sun to its setting
The name of the LORD is to be praised…”
-Psalm 113:2-3


“Mama, why you’re sitting? Why you’re doing dat?”

Last Saturday, we in the Peck household initiated our first ‘Family Movie Night’ and I’ll be quite honest with you. I have been frustrated ever since. A whole week- going on 8 days now I’ve been- some word I can’t quite make fit- something close to upset- agitated, ill at ease in my own skin, frustrated. It was a good thing, of course, this new tradition. And about as fun as it can be for two adults attempting to watch a 2 yr old, a 3 yr old, a 5 and a 7 yr old AND a movie called“Chimps In Space.” Get the picture? But it was WITH our kids and hearts full of devotion to our new investment in our family, so Aaron and I passed knowing glances at each other as well as a few at the clock…and dove in. The boys had earned ‘Shopping Day’ (a tradition carried down from my own upbringing) and had, to that end, a small new dollar-toy ( I will never find freedom from HotWheels…) and a fist full of treats for the movie and grins on their faces. They had us. Our full engagement. It was good. They were happy.

But I was frustrated and have been ever since. And all because I sat down.

I’ve been collecting signs since then and it’s thrown a real wrench into my little motherhood-machine. See, I was naïve enough to think I was coming OUT of last week’s message regarding my ‘challenging child’ equipped with a new understanding of, and therefore, prepared with a higher vision of him, myself and the basic fluidity of better-functioning in our household. Here’s my lesson for you ladies: DO NOT EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, COME AWAY FROM ONE OF THESE DEVOTIONS WITH THE IDEA THAT YOU HAVE LEARNED SOMETHING- OR THAT LIFE IS ABOUT TO GET EASIER ON ACCOUNT OF IT.

EVER.

=)

I’m kidding, of course. But it does appear that ‘Shopping Day’ every Saturday is not the only thing I’ve carried down with from my own childhood. Added bonus? An undeterred and ferocious case of self-sufficiency. A voice in my head, “Do something all the time. Moving endlessly toward some aim, some goal- usually about 8 at once. Do not stop. Do not ask for help. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming….”

Ask my mother. Ask my sister. In the middle of parenting, this CAN at times make me insanely effective, but most of the time it just renders me-well, insane. And leave it to you know who to bring it up and leave it on my lap for me to wrestle with the rest of the week. And yet, resonating alongside it, like Jacob wrestling with the angel of the LORD, through my heart persisted a verse from years ago…….

“In repentance and rest you shall be saved,
In quietness and trust is your strength.”
-Isaiah 30:15
Why?


I had sat down on the couch (with great discipline, I might add, since the dishes were yet to be cleaned, the counters left un-wiped, the floor unswept after dinner, etc. etc.), but I’d not sat there beyond a very realistic 2 minutes before GABY, of course it was GABY, approached me with a perplexed expression and asked with deep authenticity, “Mama, why you’re sitting?”

I laughed initially and asked, “What? What do you mean, Baby?”
“Why you’re sitting?” he repeated. Did I stutter? “Why you’re doing dat?” It had caught the attention of a 3 year old – a 3 year old WITH a toy, WITH a bowl of candy AND WITH a movie playing loudly in the background, that something in our household was ‘off’. I had sat down.

It wasn’t simply that I was among them as much as it was the fact that I was not among the 5 of them wiping at someone, picking up something from beneath someone, nagging someone, serving someone, undressing and dressing again someone, removing someone…. Had I been doing any of those things, likely I would have slipped incognito right under his radar. However, I was not doing any of those things. In fact I was doing nothing. For a possible 120 seconds…I was sitting. And his world stopped in confusion. He needed to know WHY I was doing “dat”. And to be even more candid, my first thought was along the lines of…not having a good enough reason to tell him! You’re right, Gaby. What am I doing? I’m doing nothing! I should be doing something…folding laundry if I’m going to just sit here ,laundry at the very least…I could even be giving one of the big boys a haircut. They do need haircuts….

But the problem is, I’m raising 4 boys and with determination that they grow up to cherish, respect and honor their wives, NOT see them as maids. Not store up reserves of experience that simply leaves them no other option than to see every job in the house and pertaining to the well-being of everyone in it as MOM’S job.

(Now, please hear this before going on: I DO want them to honor the roles God has given women vs. men in regard to raising a family, but I want them to absorb this truth based MORE upon the emotional make-up and capacity of women vs. men, not simply their delegated roles. I want them to honor God’s intended and well design roles for men and women according to more than who earns the bread and who slices it, but by observing the compassion and all-encompassing love that tends to thrive in the heart of a woman AS WELL AS the strengths, disciplines and work ethic that thrives in the heart of a man. HOW they tend to the hearts, NOT simply the chores they manage within the home.)

That said, I’m not feeling supremely successful right now. And it’s only gotten worse since that question. Sign after sign has hit me this week- YOU ARE DOING TOO MUCH. YOUR PRIORITIES ARE GETTING LOST IN THE 4 PAGE ‘TO DO’ LIST… And it frustrates me, because I know it’s true.

AND YET….I don’t know what to cut out or how to discern well which are the most worthy on my list. My husband says I take on too much. I can’t stand it. EVERYTHING I attempt or want to do seems valid. EVERYTHING seems worthy so, how to decide? How to discern?

Here’s a challenge for you. THIS ONE is just a quick peek of what I, MYSELF am attempting ( and which by the way, in my HEAD all of it seems to make sense, fit into the day AND be worthy of the time it would require…). What about YOU????
Does this list look like yours?

I’m currently attempting to:

Raise 4 kids, being 8-9 weeks from delivering our 5th * Write this devotion weekly (which I LOVE) * Finish my first novel (begun after GABRIEL’S birth!!!...almost 4 years ago!!!?????:( * Keep up on my boys’ yearly birthday Letters * Work on a children’s Christian ABC picture book * Find an illustrator for that and other children’s books in my hidden file cabinet!!! * Find the right curriculum and time frame for beginning home-schooling and convince my husband that I CAN handle it!!!!! * Join the Esther bible study at church * Attend a literature reading group once a month * Join the Cal Poly alum- fiction writer’s group- toward the goal of someday getting my MFA * Mentor a young woman from the church facing some similar younger-year struggles * Work out daily to stay strong after number 5! * Add a movie night for our family, a family Saturday morning event and a church, doughnut, beach date on Sundays after church * Get involved in the Make a Wish Foundation * Add in a date night with my husband in exchange for childcare with another couple once per week * Set up a nursery in a room we don’t have * Schedule in 3 solid writing times per week when Aaron watches the boys * Spend individual times each week with each of the boys alone * STOP napping AT ALL during the day when the babies nap * (Prepare (NESTING BIG TIME) for another baby- gathering up all the things I got rid of about a year ago since we were “done” having kids. “) * Plan and keep a morning date with one of my girlfriends each week * Attend 2 park dates each week to let the boys OUT and commune with other Mommies * Clear out massive clutter and re-organize the house in this vein: sort through books, shoes, boys’ clothing that’s now too small and won’t be handed down again =), videos/dvds, maternity clothes vs. my own clothes, empty cabinets we’ll be needing, ready a budget that squeezes in new formula, clothing and diapers in preparation for our new addition to the household! * Learn Ballet off of a dvd in my living room * Start learning sign language from a dvd series I’ve own for years now, again in my own living room * Call my Mom and each of my siblings at least once every 2 weeks-

And this is all beyond the peripheral- you know:

Keep up the house, the laundry, vacuuming, dishes, bedding, bathrooms, cook nutritious meals for my family, keep up on individual kids’ homework every night, remember whose sharing day, whose dress-this-color day, whose minimum day it is the next day...drop-offs at 8:30 and then 9 and then 11:30am, pick ups beginning from 12 ranging all the way to 2:45, naps supposed to be from 2 pm on… ????? Now, add on keeping up my relationship with my husband, maintaining friendships with a very few precious 1 on 1 coffee-talk sessions, catch back up with old friends I left 9 years ago, have a few parks dates/play dates each week for the kids AND my own mental health… Oh, and try not to worry about money.

Need I go on? I could. I’ll bet you could too. Have you written out YOUR mental ‘to do’ list lately? The one that drives you? And drives you crazy?

If so, does it sound as insane to you as mine does when I WRITE it out? This crazy, but real ‘To Do’ list of mine? I’m tired……that’s true, but … in my head, and on paper… it seems to all fit. Somehow. And yet the frustration persists…. YOU ARE DOING TOO MUCH. YOUR PRIORITIES ARE GETTING LOST IN THE 4 PAGE ‘TO DO’ LIST…

Why can’t I seem to keep my own house in order, but insist on taking on more? Why do I even want to? Is it because I feel myself slipping into a vortex of a one dimensional existence? Am I clawing to still feed the aspiring writer in me? The college girl who had all the time in the world for bible studies? For small groups meeting at coffee shops? For one on one girlfriend time? But isn’t it all a part of who I still am? Aren’t they all valid, worthy pursuits? Aren’t they all pieces of the ME that God created?

Yes, I think. Just perhaps not all at the same time……right now. Right NOW, I see the signs. YOU ARE DOING TOO MUCH. YOUR PRIORITIES ARE GETTING LOST IN THE 4 PAGE ‘TO DO’ LIST…My 3 year old asked why I was sitting down! It caught his attention in the middle of movie night, with toys, candy, all his brothers clamoring around the room- it caught his attention that I simply sat down. It was even a dark room! I’m over doing it. I’m not setting the example I’ve aimed at so long. I’m not failing, I’m just off course. Too much clutter. Too many ‘shoulds’ and not enough deep breaths. I need to simplify. My child, without his knowing it, is asking me to. Asking me to get my priorities straight. Asking me to clip away the branches obstructing our view of the Son…

Just one more question:

HOW do I get back to the point where my simply sitting WITH my family is not an eye opening event???? That can’t be right.

Luckily, (actually nothing to do with luck…more like “the Lord is gracious and compassionate…) along with the signs I’ve encountered this week have also been reassuring scriptures urging me in the right direction. I have a feeling- just by talking to a few of you, knowing many others by heart and simply having mommy-hood in common with those of you whose faces I’ve yet to behold…we have this ‘sitting down’ problem in common. This overwhelmed-can’t even keep my own house in order-trying to do too much thing, in common. Perhaps the verses He brought my way will minister to you as well.

One, I’ve already shared with you, but coming to me alongside it is this:

“From the rising of the sun to its setting
The name of the LORD is to be praised…” -Psalm 113:3

So, in light of these two scriptures, HOW do I discern amongst all my valid-clutter in my brain, pressuring me ? There is no option except to pare it to the very basics:
IN the right order…

God
Family
Friends
Individual Purpose as God brings it, in all its varying forms, my way. (Work, passions, etc.)

But, where do my scriptures help me sort this out? SO obvious in this moment. It amazes me that it has taken me all this week to come to this clarity…

“Blessed be the name of the LORD
From this time forth and forever.
From the rising of the sun to its setting
The name of the LORD is to be praised…”
-Psalm 113:2-3

I'll tell you this next week just HOW these tender words from the Lord can help us! I need it! You?